Self perception

I don't know how clearly I see things sometimes.
I think that I am a very optimistic, give people the benefit of the doubt, find the silver lining kind of person. Yet, somehow not with myself. I am the one person I am the hardest on. I tell myself and others lies about me to get out things that are hard or uncomfortable. I tell these lies so much that I start to believe them. Most of the time they are just flat out not true!

Growing up there were a lot of things in life that came easy to me, and there were a lot that didn't. Many of the things that I did well I continued to put my time and energy into. I have always been very creative and artistic and worked well with my hands. I have strong communication skills. I loved hair, makeup and fashion. Well I went out and found a career that utilized all those skills! Which I am so very lucky for. Not many people can do what they love and love what they do. I know I am very talented, but sometimes those lies creep up in that area too. It's so easy to have self doubt.

I do believe I am an intelligent person. I have always done well in school. Then why are there so many things that I don't give myself credit for knowing or understanding? Such as News and Politics. The truth...I don't try! If I don't know about it, I can shrug, laugh, and say "I don't know" and not have to talk about. Then I don't have to take the chance of saying something stupid. Lately I have been listening and paying attention to what is going on and at times have expressed my opinion. Well, when the opinion wasn't the same as with the person I shared it with, I was then told some of my own lies. "Where did you get your info from E! news?" (the only news I claim to watch) and "You're not even registered to vote!" I wasn't, but I am now! Even if I was not, does that mean I don't have a right to my opinion!?

Sports and Athletics...oh my nemesis! I don't even go there! I look back and realize I never even tried. These are not things that brought me joy and pleasure only pain and ridicule. If you are made fun of for the way you run, are you going to run more so you can get faster and better...NO! If you were never taught the rules and explained the sport do want to sit and watch it...NO! I am very tall so of course coaches would always approach me in school. I would laugh it off and say "Well you haven't seen me play!" the truth is I've never seen me play!

Where did these lies come from? All we have to go on is what we are told by others. Starting with our parents. I realize as I write my strengths and weaknesses, they line up with what my Mom would say of herself. We are so much alike in so many ways. I think these lies were passed down to me, not because they were true, but because that is all she knew. She was told the lies that I now tell myself.

The truth is that you really can do anything you set your mind to, but you have to make a choice. To keep learning, to keep trying, even in the areas that don't come easy. Then rewrite the things you tell yourself. Give yourself credit for the achievements you've made. No one can be great at everything, but you should do you're best at whatever you do.

Through laughter and tears....

I went to dinner with some of my best girlfriends last night for one of the girls birthday. Here we are to celebrate and yet we find ourselves getting teary eyed throughout the night. Each of us was going through some kind of struggle in our own way. I think everyone at some time has a tendency to have their own little pity party. We get so self absorbed we forget that others are going through their own stuff. It helps to snap you out of it, and make you not feel so sorry for yourself when you hear about other people struggles. I think this is a great representation of a last 20 something birthday. Over the years things tend to get more complicated, So it's seems to be appropriate to reflect on where we've been and what we've been through at this milestone.
Although this was probably not the birthday dinner she was expecting, there is nothing better than a good cry, lots of laughs, over a bottle of wine, amongst close friends!

To share or not to share......

Where do you draw the line between client and friends? Many of my clients I have been doing their hair for over 6 years. Through ups and downs of my life and theirs. They all want to hear updates on me, but how much should I share with them? I don't want their appointment to be a downer. Most of the time I just sensor what I tell them. Somehow, some of them find to a way to ask the right questions and open the flood gates and it all comes out. Then I question myself later, I hope I didn't say too much! I have always been very open person and keeping secrets or not talking about the things on my mind is very tough! So when people ask I can't help but tell them the truth, but do people really want the truth, or are they just asking to be nice?
I once was told by a client that she had left her previous stylist because he was going through a divorce and she felt like he was taking it out on her hair! I never want any of my clients to suffer from the stress in my life. So unfortunately one of the greatest skills of any hairstylist is the ability to shut it off. It doesn't matter what is going on or what just happened you have to put a smile on your face and pretend like everything is great even if you feel like your world is falling apart. Turn it into a positive environment and make it all about them! Which in turn makes things a little easier for me too, because rehashing everything 8 times a day wears on me!
Then the battle will be keeping things on a lighter note. For obvious reasons politics is on the top of everyone's mind. It doesn't help that I keep being told I look like Sara Palin which leads to their political views. This is a dangerous ground to tread on. Like any other workplace politics, religion, and topics like it should be avoided. I don't really follow politics very much, so I don't like to discuss things I don't really know about. Because once again when asked I can't keep my big mouth shut and say too much and always regret it.
I guess I just need to work on my internal filter. I have never regretted not saying something. So in this case less is more.
I just need to learn to Shut Up!

On a lighter note....

The things keeping me sane....(in no particular order)

My pups, I can't help but smile when I see their cute little faces. That unconditional love!

Jeremy, he is very supportive and that is one less thing I have to worry about because I have no doubts about him or our relationship! No matter what I know he will be right there to hold my hand through whatever trials life may bring!

My friend Jen, best friend a girl could have! She is always there to listen without judgement or a good shoulder to cry on. Helpful and supportive without being asked. Plus most importantly she can always make me laugh like no other!

My Mom, a voice of reason, and a great role model on staying positive in times of chaos and strife.

Good clients who love and appreciate me. Who make me feel like I am the greatest hairstylist in the world!

Television, it's my worst vice! I can't live without it! DVR is the greatest invention EVER!

Yummy food. I can't help but get excited about great food!

But I can't indulge on the last two too much or else my new stress is that I am now 300lbs! ha!

Life is full of stressful things but also things that make you happy. I am trying not to loose sight of the positive and all the great people and things in my life!

Enough already!

I feel like I have been having to deal with one major thing after another! Last year it was financial things that made me crazy broke. Broken arm and missing 2 months of work was the major thing. Then taxes. Then the air conditioner goes out in June of course! So I am now drowning in debt! Financial stress always sucks! Business is good but can I ever make enough to catch up!? 

Now my Mom's health is deteriorating. She was diagnosed with a lung disease about 8 years ago and has been dealing with that ever since. For many years she was still functioning very well. She has been on many harsh medications that on one hand are saving her life but with so many bad side effects are killing her at the same time. I think because she has done so well for so long we kind of forgot she was sick. Then a couple of months ago we started to see some milestone changes. Starting with her being on night oxygen. The thought of this scared me at the time because it was making it real. Plus we were told that she may be able to work much longer. I couldn't imagine my Mom being at a state where she could no longer work. I was worried about this coming in the next couple years but much to my dismay it's only been a matter of months and it's to that point. She now has to be on oxygen 24/7 which is a very clear and obvious reminder of how sick she is. It's so hard to see her like that. The Dr has now told her that she would consider her disabled if she wanted to stop working. Which of course she doesn't because she loves her job and I think she will be very sad if she couldn't work. Her Dr would also like for her to see someone about a lung transplant. She is against this idea. She says she is ready to die.... we are not ready for her to! She says there will always be milestones in our life that she will miss out on, but we want her to be here for as many as she can! I don't know if we are selfish for wanting her to do this or if she is for not considering it!? So my sisters and I have encouraged her to at least go and find out the information so she can make an educated decision. She had at least agreed to go talk to them. All of this is just a reminder of how precious life is and how we never know how much time we have. 

So if I wasn't stressed enough by this, now I am having stomach problems. I spent last weekend in the hospital being poked, probed and prodded. (my arms look like I am a heroin addict) Only to find out it was internal hemorrhoids. I am not really satisfied with that answer because I think there is more than that going on. So I am going to see my Dr for follow up and I can ask my questions then.  Until then I am trying not to stress about it! (yeah right!!) It's a vicious circle because this is all probably brought on by stress but then how can I not stress when this is going on!? UGH!!

Relationship purgatory

Waiting for the ring.... the hardest thing to be patient for in a women's life.
We have talked about where when and how of getting married.
We have been together for the better part of 9 years!
The ring is picked out.
Now....tick tock....tick tock! Ugh!
When we first started to talk about it and plan of course I opened my big mouth and told everybody. So friends, clients, and coworkers and now constantly asking, or looking at my hands for a ring. Talk about insult to injury! I know it's coming and it has nothing to do with cold feet and only to do with money, but I swear it seems like and eternity!
It doesn't' help that the last time we were together we were talking about getting married and were at the same point and then it didn't work out. So now I have some people in my life who will believe it when they see because they have heard this all before. Not that I have anything to prove to people, but it would be a nice I told you so!! ;o)
I just can't wait for it to be official and really start planning.

Oh what can happen in a year...

It's been a year since my last blog and oh how life has changed!
The guy that I referred to as my "Mr Big" is now living with me and we talking about getting married Oct '09. How did we get there in a year? Well as I mentioned we had been hanging out, but only as friends. Then it came time that I needed a new TV that I had been wanting for quite some time. Well of course I needed boy assistance when shopping for technology, some translation on these things. So I asked Jeremy aka Mr Big. We went shopping and I got the tv I wanted and he even borrowed a truck from his Mom to pick it up for me. Well we just happened to stop by Bevmo while on that side of town. Then while he was hooking up the tv we should open one of the bottles wine. Then is was getting late and he had been drinking so... of course the logical thing to do is spend the night! Well you can see where I am going with this. ;o)
After that night it was a flood of questions and emotions that I was trying to ignore.
Then the next day I bought a tv stand so I guess he would have to come over again and put it together for me....and once again it got very late...;o) Then I really had to ask the serious questions... what are we doing!?.... where is this going!?.... we did have a talk a couple nights later where I was finally just honest with him. I told him that I still had feelings for him. I never got over him. That I had tried and tried dating but nothing was ever even close to what we had together. He agreed and felt the same way but felt that we should take things slow. I agreed but had no idea what was to follow....
Not but just a couple days later on my way to a pumpkin carving party.... I slipped on a wet sidewalk and broke my arm! You can imagine as a stylist what a major disaster this was! Of course the first call was to my Mother but then to Jeremy. I was uncontrollably crying he could barely understand me. I didn't know how long the recovery would take but I knew it wasn't good! He came over the next night and stayed with me and took care of me. He hasn't left since. I was so touched how he totally stepped up and practically moved in to take care of me. I couldn't hardly do anything for myself. He had always been there for me when I needed him but this was above and beyond. It was so easy to just fall back into things with him. It was never hard, it was never work with us. I had fears because I had been so hurt in the past but we had both grown up so much. We took for granted finding each other because it happened at such a young age. Then going out and seeing that the grass is not greener was a true awakening.
So I truly believe that all my hard times with dating was to occupy me till the time was right but also to show me how truly right it was! Now I can't imagine my life without him!
So now I am very lucky in love! But... now after breaking my arm, and several other financial crisis now the tables have turn. I would much rather have it this way! I will work out the money situation, that's a lot easier than love!
So that should be the end of my funny dating stories... now it will be more day to day life and relationships...enjoy!